Microblog Mondays: When it rains, it pours

I’m feeling a little bit like I could throw up today and it has nothing to do with the medication or hormones.

I come from a large close-knit family and I’m the oldest of four. I have two sisters and a brother (the youngest). I’m also incredibly close to my grandparents on my mum’s side. My grandfather passed away in 2011 and I still can’t really talk about it without feeling pain and insurmountable sadness. I still have my beautiful grandmother and it is so hard sometimes, being here in Australia away from her and the rest of my family.

Anyway, my sister (only my two sisters know we’re doing IVF) called today and sometime during our conversation she mentioned how excited she is for me and how she can’t wait to meet my future baby. My throat tightened and my heart felt like it was going to burst.

I know she’s excited. I know my dad is excited. He asks me about his future grandchildren often enough. I know my mum is excited even though she doesn’t pester me like my dad. I know my grandmother is excited, she’s the first to celebrate every milestone in her grandchildren’s lives. I know my mother-in-law, who I love, is excited. She had trouble conceiving K, an only child, with endometriosis and would love for us to be able to have at least two children. I know my aunt is excited, the way she smiles if someone talks about us having kids soon.

And I have never felt such desperation. Desperation to make all these wonderful people in my lives grandparents, aunts, uncles and grand-aunts and grand-uncles. Such longing to make my wonderful husband a father. And feeling like such a failure because I haven’t been able to give them that gift.

Today, my heart aches.