Don’t Feed the Crazy

Sorry for the radio silence. You know how some people say they haven’t blogged in a while because they have nothing to say? Well, I haven’t because I’ve had TOO many things to say and most of it is just gibberish and craziness. I will be 5 weeks tomorrow and the fear is starting to subside but only a little bit. Every little thing makes me suspect that this pregnancy won’t make it. There is so much riding on this little embryo that the fear of losing it is ever present. My Google search history is a hot mess and I’ve been frantically searching for stats and articles on early miscarriage. Blighted ovums and what not. Yup, I’m completely crazy. Everything has worked out so well lately that I sometimes have this suspicion that it’s all going to come crashing down. Most days though I alternate between being deliriously happy and the aforementioned crazy person.

Apart from the emotional turmoil, I’ve been feeling alright physically. I’ve had no nausea and my nipples are only slightly sore. I’ve been really tired lately but I can’t tell if that’s due to the pregnancy or the fact that sleep hasn’t been that great and I’m back at work. One thing I will say though is that I put the frequent in frequent urination. I’ve been taking so many trips to the toilet that I might as well live in there. Last night, I woke up to go to the toilet three times. Three times! That can’t be good. This morning at work it was ridiculous, I felt like I was going every hour but it’s calmed down now.

If I was a normal, fertile person though I would probably not know I was pregnant and the missed period would be the only giveaway really. It’s mostly because I’m hyper-aware at the moment that I’m really paying attention to symptoms. I know this sounds strange but I almost want the nausea and the breast tenderness, if only to know that it’s still chugging along. I do feel guilty that I can’t sit back and enjoy the process and that my worrying takes up the bulk of my thoughts. Seriously, I look at myself sometimes and wonder how do I even function on a daily basis?!

My first scan is scheduled for the 18^th of January and I should be 6 weeks 4 days. I’m crossing everything for a healthy pregnancy and a little heartbeat!