A Long Way

Wow, time has flown. I can’t believe it but I am 23 + 3 weeks today. I read back on my old post and it seems like so long ago eventhough time seemed to crawl by at the start. I was constantly on edge, worrying that something would go wrong. I just couldn’t believe that it was real.
Everything has gone smoothly so far and we found after the NIPT test that we are having a boy! We’ve seen him look more and more like a baby on the scans as time goes by. I’ve also been feeling him kick and squirm which is amazing. Poor K hasn’t been able to feel him yet though because every time he tries, the baby stops moving!
Since my last post, most of the pregnant people I know have already given birth including my best friend. I visited her last week and met her little boy who is absolutely gorgeous. I got to have a cuddle and watch his sweet little face scowl at me as if to say “Wait a second….you’re not Mum….” It definitely has me looking forward to September!
My last day of work at this stage will be the 12th of August which is only 3 months away. That’s crazy! Sometimes when work is stressful (who am I kidding, that’s most days), it feels ages away but I know it will come around quickly. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about how incredibly difficult it is for those still trying. Infertility is a demon and I will never forget the struggle. In fact, I don’t want to forget.
I am grateful every day for each milestone and the next one will be at 24 weeks – viability. I have my last travel for work where I’ll be in Brisbane next week and I’m already looking forward for that to be over! K and I have booked to go away for a couple of nights to Hepburn Springs for my birthday and a mini babymoon in June. I can’t wait to just kick back and relax for a few days and forget about work!

Still Chugging Along

I went in for my first antenatal appointment on Monday and thankfully the embryo is measuring right on track. However, I did not get to find out what the heartbeat number was again! It was harder for me to see the heartbeat this time, the embryo looked a bit more solid? Dr. Nice pointed it out but it was hard to focus as he kept moving the probe around. K said he saw it and I saw it briefly but it would have been nice to know how strong the heartbeat was. Honestly, the brief moment that I saw it I thought it looked a little slow but Dr. Nice said it looked “beautiful” and was measuring right on time (1.97cm) for 8 weeks 4 days. Sigh I guess I have to trust he knows what he’s doing. We got another ultrasound picture to keep and the blob is starting to look a bit more baby shaped.
Symptoms wise I’ve started having nausea which came on sporadically for a few days then became a constant every day thing. I think mine is quite mild compared to others as I’ve heard horror stories about the morning sickness rendering some women unable to function. Mine is just strong enough to make me uncomfortable but not so much to cause any vomiting or making it hard to work.
What’s bad is the gas and the bloating. Eating full meals is becoming difficult without feeling like a beached whale. I’ve also been dealing with differing levels of fatigue and frequent urination. None of that matters though as long as the baby is happy and sticks around for the long haul.
I go back for another scan in about 2 weeks and a blood test. It’s called the NIPT (Non Invasive Prenatal Testing) test and can even tell you the sex of the baby this early! Dr. Nice was really great throughout the whole appointment and said that anytime we have questions, feel unsure or just want to see the baby on the scan to call them up and they will book us in. He wants us to think of them as a constant support structure so that was lovely.
Today I’m 9 +2 weeks and the nausea has abated slightly which brings back slight crazy fears, but if I didn’t know before I definitely know now that symptoms come and go. I’ve still got my fingers crossed that everything goes smoothly but at least for now it looks like it is.

Don’t Belong in That Club

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So the tally of people I know having babies this year has reached a colossal level. I’ve actually lost count. This will most likely mean a shitload of baby showers. My pregnant best friend extended the first invitation the other day.
And my first reaction was yeah, I don’t think so. How weird is that? I’m currently pregnant and due for another scan tomorrow when I’ll be 8 + 4 weeks (fingers crossed all goes well, story for tomorrow) but my gut reaction is still to shun baby showers and turn away from pregnancy announcements.
The truth is, I just don’t belong in their world. On the rare occasions that I have listened in on these fertile, pregnant women’s conversations I hear things like “my husband and I only tried once!”, “can you believe I’m showing already at 6 weeks??”, “I’m going to be so pissed if the baby is a boy/girl”, “I hate being pregnant” and the list goes on. It’s not that they’re horrible women, well, some are but you always find one. It’s just that I cannot identify with their ignorance of infertility, how life is created and the fucking miracle that it is.
I don’t want to put myself in a situation where I have to make small talk with them. The other day a colleague asked me, “So Em when are you having a baby?” I deflected and mumbled something about it happening one day then she said rather cheerfully, “Oh come one, if you want one just do it, it’s easy!”.
Lol, no. No, it’s not easy. It’s actually fucking hard for some people and harder still for others. Not only is it hard it’s fucking expensive. Try tens of thousands of dollars expensive. I wish I said that but a pregnant colleague overheard and piped up that no, it’s not easy and explained how it took her 6 years to get pregnant with one 13 week miscarriage in between. That’s fucking horrifying and I’m sorry she had to hear that. That comment annoyed the hell out of me but how must it have made her feel? Still, she said that gently and with a small smile on her face, handling it with so much grace. I gave her a hug and told her how sorry I was for her previous loss and how happy I am for her now.
To be fair, my other colleague is young, has no children herself and was naive to all of this. She didn’t apologise for her comment but seemed to reflect on it. I hope. I am not happy that I am infertile but I am happy about what infertility has taught me. I am more compassionate, more understanding and empathetic because of it. And if our world had a little bit more of that, it would be a much better place. So, I will resolve to be better and educate others on infertility and their stupid comments lest they hurt someone else. However, still on the sidelines and not at the fertile women’s club.

 

 

 

 

 

You Don’t Know

…what you think you know.
On Monday, I chose to work from home anticipating that this appointment could go either way. Our appointment was at 2.15 PM and I barely did any work that morning. I just could not concentrate.
Finally, when we arrived I expected to wait between 30 – 45 mins to be seen as Dr. Nice is always running late. However, to my surprise, we were seen on time. It’s practically unheard of with doctors!
He greeted us and didn’t offer congratulations straightaway. He said something along the lines of “Well, it looked like it worked!” and asked us how many frozen embryos we had left. I know this might sound strange to others but I liked that he wasn’t giving us any false hope.
He asked about my symptoms and if I had had any nausea. I told him I’ve felt a bit off now and again but nothing too major. He then mentioned he may have to do an internal scan but that he would start off with the abdominal and see if anything shows up.
I’d prepared myself for the worse so I sat back and tried to will myself to relax so I wouldn’t burst in to tears in front of him if it was bad news. He starts telling us what he sees on the scan, “So there’s the pregnancy sac and right here is the yolk sac and…oh, there it is!”
I was so shocked I actually bolted upright and said “What??” He laughs, tells me to lie back down and says, “Yes, there it is and watch closely, see the heart beating?”
And there it was. The most beautiful sight in the world. The flickering heartbeat of new life on the ultrasound. K had been as nervous as I and was hiding in a corner but when he saw that heartbeat, he ran over to me and the look of awe on his face was priceless.
I may have mentioned this before but the only thing I don’t like about my doctor is that he doesn’t give out a lot of details. He told me the embryo was measuring on track for 6 and a half weeks to 7 (how vague is that??) and that the heartbeat was strong. However, I did not get any actual measurements or number of heartbeats per minute. I should have pushed for more details.
Most FS in Australia are also OBs and I am considering whether to continue antenatal care with him. His services cost a whopping $4,800 OOP which is on the expensive side I’ve been told. I’ve booked in my next scan just in case on the 1st of Feb but I may do some more looking around before then.
I was so convinced on some days that there was nothing there and I’ve never been more ecstatic to be proven wrong. Now I just need to get through another 8 months without letting the crazy get out of control again. Definitely easier said than done but at least for today, I can relax and enjoy the fact that in 8 months time I might finally have a baby.

Worn Out

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Well, I’m “ecstatic” to report that the crazy has gotten worse. I was so happy on Friday when I started getting sore breasts. I thought to myself, finally, I’m getting a generic pregnancy symptom! That happiness lasted all of one day.
Gradually as each day passed the sore breasts and nipples lessened to the point of nothing today. I’ve also stopped peeing frequently and my lower back pain has come back somewhat. I’m not as tired. It’s almost like my symptoms are regressing. Basically, I’m feeling a lot less pregnant.
It’s a total mindfuck. I called the nurses for reassurance but I knew what she was going to say before she said it which was every pregnancy is different, symptoms come and go, no one can tell you anything until the scan, it’s too early to scan you now because we won’t see anything. She offered to bring me in for another blood test but said the only thing it will tell me is if my levels are rising which doesn’t necessarily mean much. So that was a waste of time. I knew it would be, I don’t know why I still called.
My pregnant best friend has also been particularly annoying lately which doesn’t help. She knows about our infertility struggle and my fears of a miscarriage yet she’s been making stupid comments like “When my partner and I have this baby, I’m going straight on birth control and have him stay away from me. I swear he just has to sneeze on me and I get pregnant!”
She’s been pregnant twice with her partner and each time it’s happened on the first try. The first time they had an abortion because they had only been seeing each other for a month. That’s right; she got knocked up from their first month of having sex ever and then straightaway again a year later when they decided it was “time”.
As you can probably guess, that flippant comment didn’t help. Then there was her telling me repeatedly how lucky she is that all her scans have been a dream and that her baby is perfect despite me telling her about my miscarriage fears. Honestly, that’s great I really am happy for her, I would not wish this anxiety on anybody but me telling you about my fears was not an opportunity to gloat about your awesome pregnancy. Still, the icing on the cake was her telling me to, “Stop stressing, it’s not good for the baby!” OH, yeah okay, I’ll get right on that!!!
Sigh, to be fair, I realise I must sound like an ungrateful wretch. Like, oh, cry me a river, you’re pregnant. I know there are plenty of women out there who would love to be pregnant right now and would scoff at my whining. I just feel that infertility has stolen so much and I can’t even enjoy the one milestone I’ve been trying to reach for 2 and a half years. I don’t really know what the point of this post was but I think it feels a little better to have my thoughts written down…
I’ve been a nervous wreck and I know I’m stressing myself and K out which I don’t want to do. He’s been so excited and happy lately, I would hate to be the one to cause him pain. I have no idea what I’m going to do to try and relax until Monday.

Don’t Feed the Crazy

Sorry for the radio silence. You know how some people say they haven’t blogged in a while because they have nothing to say? Well, I haven’t because I’ve had TOO many things to say and most of it is just gibberish and craziness. I will be 5 weeks tomorrow and the fear is starting to subside but only a little bit. Every little thing makes me suspect that this pregnancy won’t make it. There is so much riding on this little embryo that the fear of losing it is ever present. My Google search history is a hot mess and I’ve been frantically searching for stats and articles on early miscarriage. Blighted ovums and what not. Yup, I’m completely crazy. Everything has worked out so well lately that I sometimes have this suspicion that it’s all going to come crashing down. Most days though I alternate between being deliriously happy and the aforementioned crazy person.
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Apart from the emotional turmoil, I’ve been feeling alright physically. I’ve had no nausea and my nipples are only slightly sore. I’ve been really tired lately but I can’t tell if that’s due to the pregnancy or the fact that sleep hasn’t been that great and I’m back at work. One thing I will say though is that I put the frequent in frequent urination. I’ve been taking so many trips to the toilet that I might as well live in there. Last night, I woke up to go to the toilet three times. Three times! That can’t be good. This morning at work it was ridiculous, I felt like I was going every hour but it’s calmed down now.
If I was a normal, fertile person though I would probably not know I was pregnant and the missed period would be the only giveaway really. It’s mostly because I’m hyper-aware at the moment that I’m really paying attention to symptoms. I know this sounds strange but I almost want the nausea and the breast tenderness, if only to know that it’s still chugging along. I do feel guilty that I can’t sit back and enjoy the process and that my worrying takes up the bulk of my thoughts. Seriously, I look at myself sometimes and wonder how do I even function on a daily basis?!
My first scan is scheduled for the 18th of January and I should be 6 weeks 4 days. I’m crossing everything for a healthy pregnancy and a little heartbeat!

Hello 2016

At 12:18 PM, I got the call. My beta was 154. Holy shit, I am pregnant.
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After almost 2 and a half years of infertility, 28 cycles later, months of crying and praying, this doesn’t seem real.
I know I’m not out of the woods yet and I have to call on Monday to book in my 6 week scan. I was told I did not need to come back for more blood tests which you know is completely okay for an anxiety-ridden person. Not.
Today, I am pregnant and I am hoping against all hope that all goes well. Words just cannot do my feelings justice but oh my god, I am, yeah…
What an amazing way to ring in the new year! I know of the dangers but I am already completely in love with this tiny, little ball of cells that will hopefully become my baby. My little tomato seed. Please stick around, little one.