Tomorrow

Yup, tomorrow. I can’t even think of a proper title. Tomorrow is my blood test to find out if this cycle worked or was a bust. It’s also NYE. I will find out if I am bringing new life in to the new year or just more sadness, anxiety and nothingness.
I think finding out that it’s positive but that my levels don’t rise or that the embryo never makes it past the first few weeks is so much worse than just not being pregnant at all.
Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me? Pessimistic arsehole, thy name is me.

Microblog Mondays: Happy Holidays

I’m unfortunately working over the Christmas period (apart from the public holidays) but today I got told that I can work from 9AM – 12PM Christmas eve. Woo hoo! 3 hour day?? Fantastic. And next week will be a 3 day working week so double yay!
We’ll be spending Christmas dinner at my father in law’s and I’ll probably be making my way up to my aunt’s farm at some point. I love animals and it sounds way more interesting than it actually is. The only thing they have on their land is sheep and they’re leftovers for when my uncle’s parent’s sold wool back in the day. They won’t ever have any other animals. My uncle is the type of person who thinks horses are an expensive waste of time because you could just buy a bicycle instead. Not really the point of a pet but you catch my drift.
In other news, we had our embryo transfer today. Or rather, I did. It was a really quick and painless procedure. I spoke with our FS who said we had a beautiful looking embryo (they don’t give us grades) that thawed perfectly. We saw the embryo briefly on the screen before the embryologist picked it up in the catheter and she also commented that it looked great. After it was done, we were told we could leave as soon as we were ready. I’m also not on any progesterone support which makes me a little nervous but I have to trust they know what they’re doing.
Our blood test is scheduled for the 31st. New Years Eve! We’re either going out of 2015 with a bang or down like a lead balloon. Either way, there’s nothing I can do about it and negative thoughts aren’t going to help. You hear that brain?! You shut up until the 31st! Here’s hoping for a happy holiday season. Merry Christmas, everybody 🙂

Waiting, waiting, waiting

Well, after all this time learning about all things infertility and TTC, you’d think I would know how ovulation tests work. For the past couple of days, instead of getting darker my ovulation tests have gotten progressively lighter. In fact, the line was pretty non-existent yesterday. I started freaking out thinking maybe I had missed my surge and trekked over to the clinic again for a blood test to confirm.
After the nurse had taken my blood, I asked her what would happen if I missed my surge and she advised that depending on how long ago I ovulated, they may have to cancel the cycle. That was a bit of a downer but I tried to be positive. She explained that sometimes ovulation tests get lighter before they surge. I was skeptical as I’d always thought your LH hormones gradually increase until ovulation.
Clearly, I was wrong. The blood test showed that I hadn’t yet ovulated but was getting close and I got a clear positive this morning with the control line as dark as the test line. I called the clinic to let them know and they have scheduled my transfer for next Tuesday. K is getting excited and so is my sister when I told her. Even with their encouragement, I just can’t feel excited.
I’m nervous, worried and scared. I’m already thinking about how I will cope if it’s a negative. I know it sounds ridiculous to say that when there are so many women who have been through this many times and much longer than I have. I know I should be positive but it’s so much easier said than done. I feel as if I live day by day when it comes to IVF. Everything gets put on hold because I’m always waiting for the next call, the next scan, the next test and never looking past that.
I know that’s no way to live; it’s not healthy and it’s not doing anyone any favours. So I’m going to try my best to just get on with life and accept that whatever may come will come. If not this month then maybe the next and that’s okay.

Scan Update

Things are happening really slowly around these parts or rather it seems like it. I’ve had two more Facebook pregnancy announcements today which you know is just great! I now know five people all due between May – June. FIVE! That’s not including the ones who have already given birth, are due on other dates or are having sex right now and getting knocked up right this second. If I’m not pregnant by then I might seriously just quit social media and go hide in a little cave somewhere in the Himalayan Mountains. Running away and becoming a hermit is a totally acceptable way to solve your problems, yes??
 So my very science-y looking ovulation tests have not picked up a surge but I went for my scan anyway today. My lining is thickening up and is now 9mm and I have one 14mm follicle. At least there’s progress from the 6mm lining on Monday and small follicles all measuring >10mm. I’m going to continue my ovulation testing over the weekend and call if I experience a surge. If nothing happens, then I go in for another scan on Tuesday. Apparently, each woman is different in terms of the size her mature follicle will grow to before an egg is released which is somewhere between 20 – 24mm.
I’m really on edge lately, I just feel really jittery. I’ve not even reached the two week wait and I’m already stressing which can’t be good. Christmas is coming and summer is here so I’m just going to try and fill my life with things to do from now until transfer day and then again until the end of the two week wait. Fingers crossed it’s easier than it sounds!

Microblog Mondays: All Quiet

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I had my work Christmas party on Friday and it was surprisingly really fun. It was dinner on a river cruise down the Yarra and the picture above was taken when we were sailing by. Food was pretty average but the view was spectacular.
Yesterday I had my scan with the nurse to work out when I would be ovulating so they can work out a plan for the FET. I had a particularly long and heavy period coming off the last cycle and the nurse warned that this may mean I will ovulate a bit later than usual this time around.
It was only day 9 and as expected, everything was quiet. My lining was at 6mm and my ovaries were in “rest mode”. My next scan is scheduled for Friday which will be day 13. In the meantime, she’s given me some ovulation tests to take on Thursday to see if anything starts happening down there.
They’re funny looking ones which come with a mini dropper. You’re supposed to pee into a container and use the dropper to put 5 drops onto the test. What happened to just plain ol’ dunking the stick in the cup? Hah! In more ways than one in my situation.

Microblog Mondays: When it rains, it pours

I’m feeling a little bit like I could throw up today and it has nothing to do with the medication or hormones.
I come from a large close-knit family and I’m the oldest of four. I have two sisters and a brother (the youngest). I’m also incredibly close to my grandparents on my mum’s side. My grandfather passed away in 2011 and I still can’t really talk about it without feeling pain and insurmountable sadness. I still have my beautiful grandmother and it is so hard sometimes, being here in Australia away from her and the rest of my family.
Anyway, my sister (only my two sisters know we’re doing IVF) called today and sometime during our conversation she mentioned how excited she is for me and how she can’t wait to meet my future baby. My throat tightened and my heart felt like it was going to burst.
I know she’s excited. I know my dad is excited. He asks me about his future grandchildren often enough. I know my mum is excited even though she doesn’t pester me like my dad. I know my grandmother is excited, she’s the first to celebrate every milestone in her grandchildren’s lives. I know my mother-in-law, who I love, is excited. She had trouble conceiving K, an only child, with endometriosis and would love for us to be able to have at least two children. I know my aunt is excited, the way she smiles if someone talks about us having kids soon.
And I have never felt such desperation. Desperation to make all these wonderful people in my lives grandparents, aunts, uncles and grand-aunts and grand-uncles. Such longing to make my wonderful husband a father. And feeling like such a failure because I haven’t been able to give them that gift.
Today, my heart aches.

The Results Are In

My clinic doesn’t call you to tell you how many embryos are frozen. Instead, they send you a letter. I don’t know how I feel about that, it seems a bit impersonal. Anyway, this is the breakdown of what we have so far:
  • 29 eggs retrieved
  • 22 eggs mature
  • 13 eggs fertilized
  • 8 embryos frozen
We have 8 embryos on ice! The only thing I’m kind of disappointed with is the fact that we have no information on these embryos. They weren’t graded and I have no idea what sort of quality they will be.
When I asked the nurse all she said was “If they make it to day 5, they’re good quality” which I know isn’t necessarily true. All I know is that 6 were frozen on Day 5 and 2 were frozen on Day 6.
In other news, I got my period yesterday. It seemed way too fast and I realised it had come 4 days early! Not only that, it seems to be a much heavier flow and I’m cramping more than normal. I called the nurse to report Day 1 and she mentioned that the extra hormones may have had something to do with that.
I call the clinic again on Monday to schedule an appointment for a scan to detect ovulation. This will be a natural FET cycle and I am beyond nervous. All fingers crossed!