Worn Out

Well, I’m “ecstatic” to report that the crazy has gotten worse. I was so happy on Friday when I started getting sore breasts. I thought to myself, finally, I’m getting a generic pregnancy symptom! That happiness lasted all of one day.

Gradually as each day passed the sore breasts and nipples lessened to the point of nothing today. I’ve also stopped peeing frequently and my lower back pain has come back somewhat. I’m not as tired. It’s almost like my symptoms are regressing. Basically, I’m feeling a lot less pregnant.

It’s a total mindfuck. I called the nurses for reassurance but I knew what she was going to say before she said it which was every pregnancy is different, symptoms come and go, no one can tell you anything until the scan, it’s too early to scan you now because we won’t see anything. She offered to bring me in for another blood test but said the only thing it will tell me is if my levels are rising which doesn’t necessarily mean much. So that was a waste of time. I knew it would be, I don’t know why I still called.

My pregnant best friend has also been particularly annoying lately which doesn’t help. She knows about our infertility struggle and my fears of a miscarriage yet she’s been making stupid comments like “When my partner and I have this baby, I’m going straight on birth control and have him stay away from me. I swear he just has to sneeze on me and I get pregnant!”

She’s been pregnant twice with her partner and each time it’s happened on the first try. The first time they had an abortion because they had only been seeing each other for a month. That’s right; she got knocked up from their first month of having sex ever and then straightaway again a year later when they decided it was “time”.

As you can probably guess, that flippant comment didn’t help. Then there was her telling me repeatedly how lucky she is that all her scans have been a dream and that her baby is perfect despite me telling her about my miscarriage fears. Honestly, that’s great I really am happy for her, I would not wish this anxiety on anybody but me telling you about my fears was not an opportunity to gloat about your awesome pregnancy. Still, the icing on the cake was her telling me to, “Stop stressing, it’s not good for the baby!” OH, yeah okay, I’ll get right on that!!!

Sigh, to be fair, I realise I must sound like an ungrateful wretch. Like, oh, cry me a river, you’re pregnant. I know there are plenty of women out there who would love to be pregnant right now and would scoff at my whining. I just feel that infertility has stolen so much and I can’t even enjoy the one milestone I’ve been trying to reach for 2 and a half years. I don’t really know what the point of this post was but I think it feels a little better to have my thoughts written down…

I’ve been a nervous wreck and I know I’m stressing myself and K out which I don’t want to do. He’s been so excited and happy lately, I would hate to be the one to cause him pain. I have no idea what I’m going to do to try and relax until Monday.